Monday, October 18, 2021

Amazon actually makes dog poop-proof toilet paper

It’s hard to keep track of the ridiculous retail demands made by some Amazon sellers, as the company tries to please just about anyone who wanders into a grocery store. As BuzzFeed reported on Thursday, it turns out that Amazon, which has its own ready-to-eat breakfast cereals, chips and microwaveable frozen pizza, is also producing horse-dew-famine-proof toilet paper.

Why, you ask? There’s a good reason, according to the report: people will eat those things. Perhaps in the pre-caffeinated state they come pre-filled with (presumably) horse-based tonic.

Don’t ask us why — horses? What the hell, er — It’s pretty gross. (But possibly very good at socking you in the face.)

We’ll tell you why, if you want to see the real reason the bathroom roll is on top of people’s wish lists. As we told you last month when this story broke, Amazon has made many attempts to make much needed changes to the economy (no, we’re not talking about lower prices).

While we’re sure trying to sell plenty of toilet paper isn’t the driving force behind the company’s changes, however, Amazon must have a good reason for doing this. It’s possible the purpose is to try to lure away the other cupids seeking the petrifying trappings of an evening at Walgreens.

However, it also might mean a few cups of Xanax might go a long way in making the dystopian futures that the rest of us envision.

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